By Baba Mboga
I never really know how to write a story…
Or end it like in this case.
But at least I’m back to writing now after the whole TeaMaster fiasco.
Nat Geo really went Wild on this one.
L O L
Buuuuuuuuut not to worry , he didn’t drop the soap,
Or so he said.
I missed this… Writing free of negativity I mean
So I’ll just go ahead and write the damn story.
So there you are,
Like the boychild you’ve always been.
Swiping on Tinder
Careful not to run out of right swipes for the day.
Kidogo kidogo a “match” notification pops up.
You might not choke thy chicken this weekend.
You wait a few seconds before you click on her profile and damn!
She’s in her early 20s,
Not thaaaaaaat cute but si you know these things?
Beggars can’t be choosers myfren.
“Looking for friendship, not anything serious”
The bio reads.
So on behalf of all the ancestors before you,
You wait a few hours not to seem overly eager then throw out the one pickup line that you copy pasted from your Whatsapp
You get a reply back and you guys hit it off…
After a day or two,
You already know she’s Kalenjin,
That her “body count is 2” and like you she’s off work because “KARAAANA VAARUS.”
She agrees to come over on Friday to “chill.”
Your palms get sweaty, knees weak, arms get heavy
You ignore the poorly placed Eminem cameo in the story,
…But there’s only one problem, she says,
She’s broke but she really wants to come (and come hopefully)
Could you send her “fare” to come?
I mean you ARE the man here.
For any red blooded breathing male reading this,
You know that moment just after you throw your line out
A fish tugs on the hook and you have to reel it in?
And you do everything in your power to pull it out?
You know that that’s what it feels like to be a dude at this stage.
The thing here you see,
Men like control.
Once you put the illusion of them being in control of the situation ,
Most of them will act if it’s beneficial to them.
And that’s why “Tuma fare” always triumphs over “Babe woiye sina credo.”
But back to the story.
The Mpesas get tingizwad,
The week old bachelor dishes get cleaned,
The guy even buys chicken because you’re coming (mind you staple food kwake ni indomie na ugali mayai).
9 am: Hey, So utapanda 58 hapo nyuma ya archives ushukie Mumias Road near KFC and call me ukifika, OK?
“Sawa… lemme prepare”
11am: So you wanna eat out when you get here? ama we get something from KFC and take it from my crib?
“I’m on the way… ntakushow nikifika.”
Long story short, the guy got stood up.
Looks like the chicken might get a little choking this weekend.
“How stupid could I be?
Dem mwenyewe hata hajaiva na akanicheza hivyo?
Yaani akajua vile nimestruggle kuget hizo pesa?”
You pickup your phone to stalk her Instagram
To see the audacity on this human being that swindled you out of that hard-earned cash in these hard times.
You get distracted and the wind blows you to Edgar Obare’s Instagram and you see this article.
You click on it and this is what I have to say:
My opinion as far as “kutuma fare” is concerned
I mean unless you know you’re guaranteed to give the whackest sex ever and it’s compensation then probably…
Which still is so wrong on many levels…
I never understood this concept,
If sex brings mutual pleasure then why act like it’s a damn trophy for the dude?
That he should have to part with a specific amount of cash to get laid?
I mean presents and all are understandable,
Especially when you guys are probably dating but y’all are meeting for the first time and you out here asking for fare?
And when you settle down you keep asking why he’s changed?
Ladies, lemme give you a secret.
Men can seem very “narcissistic” at times.
But hear me out.
Once he realizes he has you in the palm of his hand he will squeeze,
And he will do it hard.
How does he know he has you under his leash?
You slowly give your power and control to him in the name of “the relationship.”
You lose your individuality, you completely change and whatever he liked about you isn’t existent anymore.
And for once he wants you out of the picture but wewe huyo umekwamilia like a puppy at his feet.
And he realizes he’s in control and gets comfortable with the fact that you literally can’t do anything without him.
He will do as he pleases.
A few ulcers later you’ll realize you were “too blind to see the real him”
But really it all started back then.
If “Tuma fare” is a way to weed out “broke men”,
By all means, you do you.
But in my humble opinion,
If you’re talking to a dude about this “send money” situation,
At least do it when you’ve established a decent bond with the other party.
It’s a well known fact that relationships that start with sex often fade easily.
Mainly because they’re mainly fueled with tons of infatuation and alcohol.
Do you really wanna be that type of statistic?
If she actually likes you,
She will make the time to come to you.
Bwana if she doesn’t like you like that work on your hustle and grind.
You will attract way better matches out there when you start making bank.
The coal is always as black outside as it is inside,
First impressions matter,
Decide if you want an asset or a liability.
“Nyuma ya tent.”
I might start doing instalives from next week probably.
(Don’t worry, I’ll still be anonymous).
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram
If you want to read more, check out my article on cheating.
You didn’t think I’d write this without dropping this video…
On a side note,
Found this Kenyan Musical gem on youtube.
Check him out.