YAY! WE’RE IN THE DEATH OLYMPICS!

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By Teabag

I know this not the article you were expecting but I’m a writer?

An nihilistic one at that?

Don’t worry… sometimes I get too crude in this little cranium of mine.

But that’s the thing about writing.

It’s all about a journey.

And sometimes in journeys it’s easier to cancel and go back and reschedulw.

Or in the words of my favorite educational philosopher,

“The thing about writing is letting go of things that you thought might work in preparation of things you think might work.”

-exurb1a

(I probably misquoted a bit of it… to suit my own agenda but who’s asking…)

Oh…

talking about death is taboo?

Oh..

ok

Duck you

duck the other one

and duck the one at the back.

You hopeless pleb.

(Hopefully Susan is gone now…)

That’s enough triggering for the light of heart…

Gotta throw the shallow ones a bone once in a while.

Ama namna gani myfrens?

Ok…

The number one reason of death is called dying.

It grabs about 55.4 million of us every year

Which is one whole Kenya?

(The Kenyan population is 2 million less than the global death toll but who’s counting anyway)

Damn… that’s alot of people.

But step right in…. because you’re probably next.

Because you just booked a spot in the reknown Death Olympics!

“How did I even get here…

Simple.

You were born.

Do I really have to get into details?

You’re not that thick are you?

Ok

Fine.

Everything that is born has to die…

We’re kinda built that way.

At least that’s the case in 2021.

Moving on…

Now that you know what the Death Olympics are.

Let’s state the rules of Death Olympics are.

(insert relevant Death Olympics title)

The rules of Death Olympics are as follows:

  • You’re competing against everyone else?
  • First place goes to the pleb that dies last.
  • Suicide automatically disqualifies you.
  • Your death can’t be pre-planned. (i.e no drunk driving or listening to Bahati’s new song)
  • The lucky pleb gets a billion shillings.

And no… not Ugandan.

Clean stacked sausands all wrapped up.

Not for you

For your family

I mean…you have to be dead to win.

So assume for once you actually care about your family and you’re good to go.

So how do I win Death Olympics? (let’s call them DO for obvious reasons…)

Well… the best strategy to win any game is to not…

… lose?

Considering DO is kind of black and white we don’t really have

So that’s exactly how we’re going to win by NOT loosing?

(I’ll pull up stats from the states because my country is shit at statistics…)

These are the most preventable by far

If you’re in your 70s… watch out for heart diseases…

45-64… cancer.

25-44… unintentional poisoning …. diabetes… stds… drunk driving…

15-24 … accidents.

5-14 …. Malaria.

0-5 ……. Neo- natal diseases.

I could go on and on but these are the top killers…

OK?

I’ll probably make a separate post for that.

But not before talking about how lucky you are to qualify for the death olympics.

It’s a rigorous process that one.

I’ll grab supper and finish this article…

See you in part two

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