STOP ASKING COUPLES TO HAVE KIDS. CASE STUDY- ESTHER MUSILA

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‘So when is the baby coming?’ is probably the most asked question newlyweds encounter. And Esther Musila was no exemption.

Esther Musila is the new wife in town after she tied the know with her lover award-winning gospel artist Guardian Angel. See article.

Most of us hail from a society that believes life must follow a specific course- birth, schooling, working, marriage, parenting then death. So it’s not unusual that a couple will get this question as soon as they wed.

The question comes in many forms such as: Oooh, it’ll be babies next!’ ‘So, have you got any good news for us yet?’ ‘You better start saving for diapers, right?’ ‘I can’t wait for the grandchild to come along’ ‘You’ll be excited to start a family now!’ ‘Have you talked baby names yet?’ ‘Are you trying for a baby yet?’ ‘So, I take it you’ve stopped having sex with condoms now you’re married?’

Sometimes the questioning doesn’t even stop when you actually have a baby as immediately the ‘when are you giving them a brother or sister?’ questions start, which can be equally insensitive, prying and infuriating.

Inasmuch as this question may well mean well , can we all just pause, analyse the enormity of such a weighted question and just stop asking it?

Reasons why you should not ask the question

Guardian and Esther’s marriage has gotten people talking for the longest time. Most of their fans are majorly concerned about Esther’s ability to sire kids as she is already 51 years old. In fact, a fan congratulated the new couple and went ahead to state that she is eagerly waiting for kids. Esther did not mince her words in responding to the nosy fan. As she asked her is it your child? Are we giving birth on your behalf?
This response left many laughing and congratulating Esther for her bold answer.

Anyway, whether it is a loved one, friend, or colleague, whether single, in a relationship, or married, in their 20s or approaching menopause, there is no right time or place to ask someone when they are going to have a baby.

Some women do not know if they want to have a baby and they may feel immense outside pressure guiding their decision of when and if to procreate. And no woman should be judged for making this choice. They should not feel the need to explain themselves as they are living their life by their values.

First of all , no couple is obligated to have children. Actually plenty of couples have decided that they don’t want kids. Some might possibly not be ready. And having a ring on their finger doesn’t automatically leave them with a deadline. So please, stop asking Esther when she will have Guardian’s baby. She has not even enjoyed her honeymoon yet!

Pregnancy loss

Most of the time, this weighty question could be the catalyst for all kinds of emotions. And no one knows the battles faced in someone’s private life. Cases of miscarriages, stillbirths and other pregnancy and child loss are common and life shattering. They are rarely something that one will broadcast. You will rarely know if the person you are asking has endured complications, miscarriages or stillbirths and you have no idea the wounds you could be opening by asking when they plan to start a family.

Also, some women have experienced tragedy multiple times and have a history of recurrent miscarriages or losses of babies later in pregnancy, or losses of multiple children due to underlying medical or hereditary conditions. So when they are asked about their plans for having babies by people who do not know their stories, it feels unfair and hurtful, bringing them back to the grief of their loss. Just don’t ask. Ever.

Trauma

There are also more women than we will ever fully count who have experienced abuse and trauma in their lives which has made the thought of having a child very difficult. When you have trauma from childhood experiences with your mother, or never knew your mother, it can be difficult to think about taking on that role yourself. Asking these women when they are going to have a baby can bring up many dark and difficult feelings and memories.

Infertility

Wanting to start a family and not being able to is a trauma faced by many couples with infertility. Infertility is more prevalent than ever. And countless women are trying to have a baby unsuccessfully, whether naturally or via fertility services. Asking them when they are going to have a baby, a question they already ask themselves every month when their unwanted period comes, makes them feel more like a failure for not being able to accomplish something that should be easy and natural. NOT everyone can give birth.

None of your business!

I could go on and on about why you should not ask women or couples when they will give. But let me just sum it up. IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. No matter how well-intentioned you might be, just refrain from bothering couples. It’s not even their duty to respond to you.
So kindly leave Esther alone. You do not know what kind of arrangement she and her husband have in regards to raising kids.

By Wanjiru Mbaru

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Anonymous

Please everyone mind your uterus or your swimmers